Big Gay Blog



Sex and Sexuality-A new opinion that is a breath of fresh air

So, over cocktails (and beer) the other night, I was talking to my friend David about this blog and he had a great desire to contribute.  I told him to write me something and I would post it,  he asked me “what should I write about” to which I responded “what do you want to write about?” His reply was premarital sex, I was a bit confused at first thinking that it might not fit in with the content usually covered here but as he explained what he meant and when he later messaged me the information I am about to post it made so much more sense.  In short this is about sexuality, it has some religion in there just to forewarn you.  But I really feel that David makes some fantastic points that are definitely easy to relate to.  I personally have felt the guilt factor that David talks about over my past mishaps but have been trying focus on a purely monogamous future with my sweetheart.  So here without further ado is Davids philosophy on sex and sexuality.

Philosophy on Sex

By: David Schultz

We are hard-wired for sex. Our senses are attuned to a wide variety of attractions, making it nearly impossible to resist the act under the right conditions. So if we were made to reproduce, then why bother abstaining? How come we can’t be like rabbits and go about living our hoppy little lives with all the sex we want and none of the consequences, especially since gays normally don’t need to worry about getting pregnant…why fuss?

Here’s where we differ from bunny rabbits and all the other creatures with sex drives. The Bible says that when two people have sex, they become one flesh. While I believe that to be true, I don’t think that’s the entire truth. There is more to a human relationship than just physicality, but there exist emotional, intellectual, and spiritual realms as well (I use spiritual in the holistic sense, not necessarily pertaining to religion, but more of a connection to our spirit). I think that because we’re such complex creatures, sex isn’t just a bonding of flesh, but an attempt at bonding hearts. These other realms of a relationship are things that I recognize and acknowledge as having an impact on the meaningfulness of sex. Without the connections of other aspects, we can easily feel loss.

It’s not my intent to debate the practicality of abstinence, but more to explore the consequences of the journey of abstinence itself.

* Quote:

“If you did something wrong or hurtful, you will have to accept that you cannot change the past. However, you can make amends for your behavior, if and when it’s appropriate. Do so, apologize, or make-up for the inappropriate behavior in a timely manner, but then let it go.

The more we focus on believing we need to do something more, the more it will continue to bother us and interfere with our relationships with others.”

After reading this quote, the thought of personal conviction comes to mind. It seems to be widely agreed that no one is perfect, but yet, the strive to be perfect is something that’s been painted as noble and Christ-like. We never seem to get there, but trying is the important part.

Guilt is the thing that keeps us in check, that feeling of remorse. We set our standards so high, however…I fear failure is promised, leaving us with so much guilt that we can never seem to reconcile. Sometimes it is built up so much that it takes years to leave behind.

No matter what we believe about sex, guilt hurts. Christianity seems to encourage guilt, particularly when it comes to sexual impurity. The reasons for abstinence, as I understand it, make excellent sense, but I have a huge issue with the amount of guilt I see around the topic.

During the Waiting Until Marriage small group meeting at the 2010 GCN conference, someone brought up an analogy about having multiple partners. Sexuality was a gift, and with each partner, it was as if that person kept trying to re-wrap a repeatedly opened package, leaving it tattered, damaged, and assumedly of very little value.

That analogy left me infuriated. I understand its practicality in a discussion about waiting until marriage, but had I been someone that has had over 30 sexual partners, but then had decided to wait for the right person, my spirit would have been crushed. “What Christian man would want the gift of my sexuality after all that?” I would think. It would be as if my sexuality were some meaningless bauble. Yes, sex should be special, but how is the sexuality of someone who has dedicated themselves to abstinence of any less worth, even after 30 partners? Then, it’s a matter of love.

I understand that we want to behave righteously, but I find the problem of guilt something that is not of God. If efforts have been taken to make something right again, what else matters?

In that sense, I don’t like the idea of virginity. It’s far too harsh; far too black-and-white. It just seems to encourage judgment.

I think purity of the heart is a paradox. The strive for it is what matters, but I don’t think any of us will ever have a totally pure heart. It’s a tough thing to analogize; there’s really nothing quite like a gift of sexuality. Diamonds have the same value whether they’re handled or not, I would think.

It’s not that we shouldn’t value chastity, but my gosh, we certainly should not devalue anyone in any discipline for their lack of it, especially ourselves if we have. I don’t think that’s fair.

Are we condoning emotional pain from guilt and calling it conviction once we say that we let it go? I don’t understand. The way I see it, we really shouldn’t be putting people in double jeopardy for their sins like that, especially someone who might have a tough time getting over things. That is my fear with communities that have discussions like this. It brings back, for many people, moments in which we were weak. The effects of these discussions seem contrary to Christ’s sacrifice, which had supposedly cleansed us.

I really don’t like these kinds of talks because there are so many words that have the potential to judge and condemn.

The wrapping paper analogy, I think, is an inaccurate depiction of sexuality. It seems that no matter how many times it is taken advantage of, Jesus offers forgiveness. In that sense, why would the gift of sexuality of someone who has had over 30 partners differ from someone who has had one? I think whether or not they are walking in Christ is more important, but I don’t that we have the authority to so hastily devalue somebody in that manner, especially when the subject matter is one of the most personal things to talk about.

I may not brand myself as used wrapping paper, but as we’ve observed in the session at the conference, it’s easy for someone else to make that assumption, whether they choose speak it or not. It hurts to know that someone else holds that prejudice towards those who have repeatedly engaged in premarital sex.

God heals the wounds, but those that have had sex outside of marriage cannot deny the truth that they have done so. Scars will remain. The same goes for murder, you can’t take it back. The healing that God provides is just that, a healing between you and God. There are social repercussions for premarital sex–especially so if a baby is involved–and as we know, no man can serve grace like God can. Denying your past, even in the presence of Christians, is harmful, especially if you have gone against the collective conviction of the people you worship with. Presenting these man-made analogies can hurt people by reopening old wounds. I think that we must NOT encourage that here. While the past can hurt, it shouldn’t mean that the truth ever has to. The truth only hurts when we deny it.

As for what we believe, I’ll assume that everyone has the general knowledge that sex outside of marriage typically causes emotional damage. I can’t claim to know this having never had that experience, but based on the testimony of others, I am inclined to believe.

No matter what kind of condition it is in, we as a community need to respect the sexuality of other people. Sexuality is precious, always. No matter how much it is speculated to damaged, misused, or ‘hastily re-wrapped’, it is something that is held special to people, even if they are sexually promiscuous. Why? Ask someone who has been raped. They often feel guilty, like it’s their own fault, and they can’t take it back. So short of violently taking someone’s sexuality, are we condoning the degradation of it by believing that it is not as good as someone else’s because it’s been used carelessly? Do you understand that in many ways it’s the same guilt that comes from our own convictions?

Check yourselves on what you say and what you believe, because if you wouldn’t make a rape victim continually relive their guilt and their pain, why should you find it appropriate to do that to someone who already feels bad about being careless with their sexuality? They know what’s right, and there is absolutely no need to make them relive their past, OR to make them feel bad about it, and ESPECIALLY make the analogy that their sexuality is increasingly less valuable with each time it was used extra-maritally.

Convictions are our beliefs and opinions. They drive our future actions.

Guilt is the feeling of wrongdoing. They come from past and present actions.

Here, we must help each other in forming convictions for the future with the aid of God. We must NOT chastise people’s behaviors in the past. You CANNOT take past actions back, even though God will forgive you on a personal basis. Your past becomes the truth, and denying the truth will hurt you.

If you must bring up the past, do so only to learn from it. Never devalue people, in any aspect, no matter what they did in their past, because as God loves us all the same, no matter what we have done, and we must also love each other no matter what.

The pain is enough. There is no need to add insult to injury.

I do not deny that having sex in a whimsical manner with many people is a devaluing act toward sexuality, I do not deny the high risk of negative emotional consequences with sex outside of marriage, and I do not deny that we learn from pain.

Where I think we are disagreeing is in the extent that the value of sexuality is decreased with each use outside of marriage.

It is obvious that our standards for personal purity are high, but I fear that what we are expecting of each other is unrealistic.

How do you justify holding standards of purity for anybody but yourself?

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